It came from a manager I respected. Early in my career, at a point when I thought I had a fairly good grasp of things.
It was not a long speech. It was a simple observation, delivered directly and without softening.
And it changed how I worked.
What was said
I will not repeat it word for word. It is personal and it is mine.
But the core of it was this: I was skilled at solving problems — but sometimes I solved them for people instead of helping them solve them themselves.
That sounds simple. It was not.
It took me a long time to understand what it really meant. The difference between being helpful and creating dependency is not always obvious. That the quickest route is not always the best one.
Why are we afraid of honest feedback
It is not about unkindness. It is about discomfort.
Giving honest feedback requires a willingness to create temporary discomfort in a relationship. It requires believing the relationship can handle it. And it requires caring enough about the person to say what needs to be said.
Most of us choose not to do it. We soften, we round off, we wait for a better moment. And the better moment never comes.
The result is organizations full of half-given and half-received messages. Where everyone knows what needs to be said — but nobody says it.
What honest feedback requires — from both sides
It requires a giver who is clear, specific and respectful. Nobody needs to hear 'you are bad at X'. But everyone can hear 'I have noticed that X happens — have you thought about that?'
It requires a recipient who does not become defensive. And that is harder. Defensiveness is human. But defensiveness closes the door to change.
And it requires a relationship with enough trust for it to be raised at all.
Det sistnämnda är chefens ansvar. Det är därför som leadership och feedback hänger ihop.
What I take from it
That honest feedback is one of the finest things you can give a colleague, an employee or a manager.
It requires courage. It is sometimes received badly in the moment. That it is worth it anyway.
And that the feedback I received all those years ago — it made me better. That is the best a piece of feedback can do.
If you have thoughts, questions, or simply want to talk something through — feel free to get in touch. I am happy to have an initial conversation with no agenda.
Magdalena Hagström Ståhl
By M Consulting AB
Right person. Right place. Everything changes.