There is a category of conversations that most managers I have met are remarkably good at avoiding. Not because they do not know they should be having them. But because they are uncomfortable, loaded, and difficult to handle well.
What I have seen, time and again, is that the longer you wait, the heavier they become.
The first: the performance conversation that never happens
You have someone on the team who is not delivering as expected. You can see it. Most likely, the rest of the team can too. But the conversation – the real, honest conversation about what actually needs to change – gets pushed back week after week.
Instead, you hope it will sort itself out. That the person will realize it themselves. That next quarter will be better.
In most cases, I have followed, it has not sorted itself out. And in the meantime, the rest of the team has been picking up part of the tab – in the form of extra burden, quiet frustration, and wondering why no one is saying anything.
The second: the expectations conversation that was never had in the first place
Many of the conflicts and misunderstandings I have encountered over the years are, when you scratch the surface, not really about personality clashes or competence. They are about expectations that were never clearly defined from the start. What the role actually entails. What it takes to succeed. Where the boundaries are.
In my experience, this conversation should happen early – ideally before someone starts, at the latest during their first few weeks. But it gets deprioritized because it feels obvious or because it is hard to put into words what feels like common sense.
What I have learned is that very little is common sense – even when it feels that way.
The third: the conversation with someone who is about to leave
You sense it. The energy has shifted. The engagement is not what it was. Perhaps you have heard something through someone else.
But the conversation does not happen – perhaps because you are afraid of what you might hear, or because you do not want to accelerate a decision that has not yet been made.
I understand that. But what I have seen is that many people considering leaving have not yet made up their minds. An honest conversation – without an agenda, without trying to sell the company – has in my experience made a difference. And even when the person chooses to leave anyway, the conversation has surfaced insights that would otherwise never have emerged.
Why do we keep putting them off
In my view, all three conversations have something in common. They require you as a manager to be prepared to receive something you do not know in advance. Resistance. Emotions. Truths that are hard to hear.
It is not strange that it feels difficult. It is human. But it is in these conversations that I have seen what leadership actually means – when it is at its hardest.
Many of the situations that, over time, became really serious – and that eventually landed with me – could, in my assessment, have been handled earlier. With a conversation. In twenty minutes.
If you have thoughts, questions, or simply want to talk something through – feel free to get in touch.
Magdalena Hagström Ståhl
By M Consulting
Right person. Right place. Everything changes.